Silflay Hraka

11/15/2002




Men at Work

I've been going to concerts all my life. No matter what I've done, I've never been able to get front row seats. I waited for ten hours in the snow fifteen years ago to see Jimmy Buffett at the Dean Dome. I was 14 rows back. The closest I've ever been was an R.E.M show at Duke when they played Cameron Indoor Stadium. I don't want to even think about how long ago that was. 5th row center, with a girlfriend, Phyllis, and a friend of hers whose name escapes me. Likely it escaped me then as well. Nice location, but still not the front. INXS at the Dome? 20 rows back. Violent Femmes and the Indigo Girls at Memorial Auditorium? 12 rows back.

Until Thursday, when I finally scored front row concert tickets, the always sought after and never realized acme of my concert going experience. Right in front, where the band can't miss you. Down where you can count nose hairs. Just me, my wife and our toddler, going to see the Wiggles.

As far as Ngnat was concerned, we got our $75 worth just walking into the venue. She looked at all the kids and was overcome with delight. She walked in on red carpet and ran around for the sheer pleasure of movement, and bounced her seat up and down in manic bliss. She made peepee sitting on a men's room public toilet amidst rapturous paroxysms of happiness. My, whatever we were doing was fun! There were even songs she knew playing in the background!

She sat in her Mommy's lap and watched the curtain open. Then THEY walked out onto stage. Jeff. Murray. Greg. Anthony. It was as if a bus had fallen out of the sky onto her. She knows the Wiggles. We watch Wiggles videos all the time. We told her we were going to go see the Wiggles, but obviously she didn't realize we were going to SEE THE WIGGLES.

The paradigm shift took about 4 minutes, during which she sat completely still on the sainted wife's lap. She sucked on her thumb, then her thumb and a finger, then a thumb and two fingers, until eventually she was attempting to cram her entire fist down her throat. Finally, when Henry the Octopus walked onstage, she finished processing all the relevant data. She let out a scream that a Sinatra bobby-soxer or Beatlemaniac would have recognized instantly.

"HEEEEEEENNNNNNNWWWWWYYYYYYYY!!!" It was almost as if she wasn't convinced that everything was real until she saw a gigantic purple mollusk stroll out and give her a wave. After that it was "Well, if Henry's here, it must be ok."

Then "Waaaaaaaags!"and "Dowafeeeeeeeee!". She wasn't the only one screaming either. The crowd noise had been growing with each introduction. It reached its apex when the Captain ran out. Ran out, rounded off a roundoff , shook his feather sword, and said "Ahoy there, me hearties!".

Every kid in the building went apeshit, and it was a big building. And then the Wiggles sang.

I can't tell you the songs. They're all two minutes long and involve various acts of wackiness on the part of the Wiggles and their animal and pirate friends. The kids know all the words, and most of the parents know most of the words, including me. It's not hard, remembering to sing "Hot Potato" five times in a row. They did all their hits, which you've never heard of unless you're the parent of a toddler. If you are the parent of a toddler, then they did "Hoop-te-Doo" and "Wiggly Party" and "Emu Dance" and "Move like an Emu" and "Watch Out, The Emu Can Disembowel You With One Swift Kick" and "Quack Quack Quack Quack Quack Cock-a-Doodle-Doo!", during which the Wiggles call out the names of various celebrities and the Captain sings as if he were that person. His Mick Jagger and Madonna versions were good, but his Eminem was absolute genius. And while I was joking about the Emu disemboweling you song, I'm not about the Eminem version of "Quack Quack.....". It was one of the most surreal things I've ever seen. Every Wiggle up on stage obviously thought it was a grand joke, challenging the Captain to rap his signature song on short notice. Surely it was planned, but it didn't feel like it.

So the Captain rapped, and he and the Wiggles sang more songs, and Ngnat danced in the aisle with the other toddlers, turning around and around in a jerky, skipping galumph of a dance. I watched her while the sainted wife waited in the merchandise line for 30 minutes, hoping against hope that they wouldn't sell out of T-shirts before she got to the head of the line. It was the venue's fault, sticking all of the various Wiggly items into one place. The booth, such as it was, was staffed by two elderly ladies who stared in absolute shock at the 15 person deep sea of parents surrounding them on all sides, intent on getting a damn feathersword for little Johnny come hell or high water.

They did sell out, but only after she bought a blue shirt for Ngnat featuring four cartoon Wiggle faces. She insisted we put it on immediately, while she danced. Mom pulled the T-shirt over her head while I unbuttoned the original outfit, then pulled it off via a convenient arm hole. Must preserve an aura of modesty, you know.

She went to bed in it that night. She got up and went to daycare in it this morning. She's sleeping in it now. We have tried to take it off, in case you're looking for the Social Services number, but she refuses to have anything to do with that.

"My Wiggles!" she yells. "My Wiggles!"

I know it will damage my hip credentials beyond all repair, as if a white guy in his thirties still had hip credentials, but I had a blast. The Wiggles had the crowd in the palms of their hands. It was really cool to look out over the sea of people and see hundreds of pre-schoolers bouncing up and down as one, doing a primitive version of the hand jive to "Hot Potato." Yes, it's probably easy to do when three-quarters of your fans are under five, but how many of you have done that to a crowd? How many of you have ever gotten...say ten...ten kids to do something at once? I was a camp counselor for years. It's a lot harder than it looks, and these guys did it effortlessly. The concert didn't have anything like the tightly scripted feel I thought it would have. Rather it was relaxed, casual. They laughed at everything. Jeff rode out on a tiny little tricycle, and the handlebars came off, and he couldn't get them back on. And he laughed, and they laughed, and Jeff struggled to get the recalcitrant toy off stage, and laughed some more. I bet Madonna would bite off bat heads if her tiny tricycle broke.

I'd seen a crowd like that only twice before in my life. Once was at a Buffett concert, when I saw twenty-thousand people moving as one to "Fins". The other time was hearing two thousand scream out the chorus to "Add It Up" as if they were exorcising demons. And I wasn't even high this time.

The wife also had a blast, for perhaps different reasons. The only downside to the whole evening for her was having to wait in line so long. She wanted to see more of Anthony, who she hadn't thought much of until she saw him in person, at which point she discovered within herself a rather seamy lust.

Her exact words--"Damn, Anthony is hot!"

I bet you don't hear that at many Barney concerts.

Update: Ngnat has now worn her Wiggles shirt for a second straight day and is sleeping in it for a third straight night. We managed to get her to take a bath today only by promising her that she could immediately put her shirt back on after the bath.

And, one thing that I left out. Anthony had an American flag guitar strap. I thought it a nice touch. Of course, it might not mean anything, but it's hard not to see it as a gesture of support.


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Logistics?

I live within earshot of the NCRR rail line. By that I mean that when a train blows it whistle as it it comes to a crossing, I can hear it. We usually hear it once a night or so, around 11 pm. Last night was different. Last night three came by in under 30 minutes. All headed east, towards the Morehead City ports and the Camp Lejune/Cherry Point Marine Air Corp spur.

It felt like 1941.


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Bad Advice From Bigwig

I read the "Dear Prudence" section in Slate every week, without fail, normally. So, with fail, occasionally, I suppose. That wasn't really my point here, but Ellen Degeneres seems to have more of an impact on me than I realized.

My point, and I do have one, is that I like Pru. I even wrote her once about the discrimination inherent in the "families with children" parking spots before I became one of the breeders. In case you're wondering, I still park in them, regardless of whether Ngnat is with me or not.

The problem with Prudie, or indeed all advice columns as I see it, except perhaps Dan Savage, is that she's too damn concerned with being nice. Case in point;

Dear Prudence,
I've been very close with a woman for several years, and over the past couple years we have become intimate. One thing that has happened four times this past year is that she has called out her ex's name in the heat of passion. While I'm sure they are not seeing each other, this last instance was too much for me to take. She claims it's from years of "habit," but I feel it has more to do with where her mind is. Am I overreacting, or is there something to this?

—Shame in a Name

Dear Shame,
The situation you describe certainly makes the case for that frequent bedroom declaration, "Oh, my God!"
...
The point you raise, though, is interesting because it brings us to the subject of fantasy—often a part of sexual interaction. (It's just too bad your lady friend had to identify hers out loud.) It is up to you to weigh the various aspects of this relationship so that you can decide what this particular slip of the tongue means to the overall picture.

GONG!

Wrong. Speaking as a male, Prudie, we ain't interested in understanding the phenomena or thinking about it for longer than it takes to actually say this sentence in your head. We're interested in stopping it. This happened to me occasionally, back in my single days, but it never happened more than once.

Now, Mr. Shame, let's call this girl, "Trudy". Next time Trudy is the throes of passion, and calls out "Biff" or "Danny" or "Zambito" or whatever name she happens to prefer to mis-address you by while you're laboring away down in the trenches, respond with a nice "Oh, Martha, you're so hot!", where Martha is the name of one of your exes (preferably one she's just met), or her best friend or her sister.

Or her mother.

Or your mother.

It doesn't have to be immediate, so give yourself a couple of seconds to come up with the best name for the situation. Just be sure it's one she'll recognize, or you'll have to explain yourself. Which means you've lost. Better not to have opened your mouth at all.

Believe me, the message gets delivered loud and clear. Call her by her mother's name just once, and she'll either stop the mistaken identity bullhockey or leave you. Either way, problem solved. Calling out someone else's name is an asshole move, and deserves an asshole response, and her excuse of "habit" is bullshit. Unless you're leaving her unconscious with la petite mort on the bedsheets, she know's exactly what she's doing.

And if you are, she's coming back for more no matter what, so what do you care?

And finally, I've been very close with a woman for several years, and over the past couple years we have become intimate. What's up with that? You got a hunch or something? A man who takes more than a few months to get a woman who's not "saving it" (an ever decreasing percentage of the overall population) into bed deserves what he gets.

Now, get in there and take back that relationship power, you wuss.


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Bueller, Bueller.....How Old Is Your Sister?

Looks like the principal hung around the children for a reason.


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Making Fun of Al Qaeda

I'm tired of these bastards. Every day we hear about them, their weakened capabilities, their desire to see us die, their love for blowing stuff up. While I am aware of the dangers, perhaps it is just my personality, but even when I am alone I tend to have funny images of Al Qaeda members at the strangest times. It happened again today.

Over the past day the FBI issued new warnings about possible attacks from Al Qaeda. As reported on an AOL news site:

By CURT ANDERSON, .c The Associated Press - WASHINGTON (Nov. 15)
Federal authorities previously have issued warnings for specific industries and national landmarks in general. But there is clearly worry that the danger of an attack is growing because of increased ``chatter'' picked up through intelligence channels, the continuing U.S. showdown with Iraq and the recently revealed audiotaped warnings believed to be from al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden.


We are being warned of possible attacks (which I am grateful for) because of increased "chatter." I am left with the image of Al Qaeda members sitting in the caves (or Saudi Arabian palaces), huddled around their ham radios yelling into the transmitter, "Hey, batter, batter, batter. Hey, batter, batter, batter. Ehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe, SWING!!!!"

Now is the time that Bush was talking about a year ago when he said that this would be a long battle. It has been a year and I am tired of it. I am tired of hearing about new plans to blow stuff up. I am tired of hearing about the danger level for today as if it were the fire safety or ozone safety levels. I feel that I need to revisit what I learned about "R-O-Y-G-B-I-V" in order to better understand how likely it is for something to be attacked today. I'm worn down with the idea that we still haven't caught that bastard and don't seem to exactly be hot on his trail. That adds to my frustration about Iraq. I want us to finish one job before starting another. Like when mom would say that you couldn't pull out any more toys until you cleaned up the ones you already were playing with.

I know it doesn't work that way, but that is how I want it to work. Unless Osama Bin Laden is hiding out in one of Saddam's palaces (which is possible after his latest remarks) I wish we could hold off until our business was done with Al Qaeda. That should be on my Christmas list.

Dear Santa,
I would like for the US to find and brutally kill all Al Qaeda members and for Saddam to have an "accident" that takes his life as well. Merry Christmas and peace to all (except for the above mentioned a@#$@#$holes).




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11/14/2002




The Thanksgiving Trinity

We're having the family Thanksgiving at our house this year. I've been wondering what to do, along the lines of deciding whether to brine the turkey, smoke it, fry it, etc....

But my quest for the best possible meal is over. I have seen the future of Thanksgiving at my house, and it is Turducken.

A turkey, stuffed with a duck, stuffed with a chicken, with oyster dressing inside the chicken, andouille dressing between the chicken and the duck, and cornbread dressing between the duck and the turkey.

Auuuclllhaach.

Of course, I do have a big family. Maybe I'd better go with the Osturducken.


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Titanic skin eruption seen on Io

A immense pimple has been spotted bursting on the surface of Jupiter's volatile moon Io. Astronomers believe it to be the most powerful zit ever witnessed in the entire Solar System.

The pustule spewed grease kilometres into the sky during its most explosive period, say the researchers. The consequent oil flow is thought to have spread many hundreds of square kilometres across the surface of Io.

"It is clear that this eruption is the most energetic ever seen, both on Io and on Earth," says Franck Marchis, a researcher at the University of California, Berkeley, who analysed the images.

The eruption was recorded in February 2001 during routine monitoring of Io's pimple activity by a telescope at the Keck Observatory in Hawaii. But the images were only recently analysed.

Ashley Davies, at Oxyclean's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California, adds: "The kind of eruption to produce this thermal signature has incandescent fire fountains of molten sebum which are kilometres high. They are propelled at great speed out of the ground by expanding gases, accompanied by extensive flows on the surface."

Kevin Mangum, NASA dermatologist, says that such eruptions may cause permanent scarring on Io's surface, and reiterated the official NASA position on planetary pustules. "Don't squeeze them. It's far better to just let them clear up on their own."

Current space dermatology theory supports his position says Mangum, using the explosion of the planet Phaeton between Jupiter and Mars as evidence

"We believe that the Asteroid belt was created after Phaeton exploded while attempting to rid itself of an immense boil on its southern hemisphere, possibly by sticking a pin or needle of some sort into it."

Current estimates of Io's age vary widely, with some developmental scientists claiming that Io is just now entering the main stage of planetary adolescence, while others counter that there is evidence that points to millions of years of planetary pitting, putting the skin of Io closer to the end of its most active period of pustule formation.


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Be Careful What You Ask For

The Shroud of Turin has been declared a medieval fake, again. The new study didn't address the pollen study that indicated that the shroud had a pre-8th century origin in the Middle East, so it seems a bit far fetched to declare it a a fake based on a re-interpretation of the data from a carbon-dating test*. Not that anyone noticed. We'd care if the "real or fake" discussion centered around some Hollywood cleavage, but when it comes to actual proof of the physical existence of Jesus, the whole debate is....tired.

We're pretty sure Mohammed existed, right? That's done a world of good for his religion, hasn't it?

Here's a story. I read it long ago as a child, or Dad told it to me. I forget which, but I can't find it anywhere on the Net, so maybe it was part of the families oral tradition. I'll tell it to Ngnat one day when she asks me about Jesus. Hopefully I've remembered it more or less correctly

One day God got tired of hearing people question his existence. So he re-arranged the stars in the night sky so that they said "God Is". When the sun set that night, people all over the world saw the miracle in the sky and fell down on their knees and worshipped him as never before. Every night for years and years the people looked up into the sky to see the proof of the existence of their maker, and they would fall to their knees and worship him. This went on for years, and years, until one day a little girl looked up at the night sky while her family knelt down around her and said

"So what?"

Christianity is a religion based on faith. Actual proof would destroy the need for faith. Having proof of something means that there is an physical explanation for something, and that's the realm of the scientist. Proving the existence of God, or non-existence as an unthinking atheism would no doubt prefer, in the long run makes him no more mysterious and powerful than a bacterium.

Of course, destroying the power of who claim to know his will might be worth it. It would be nice to force Jerry Falwall and John Paul and all the other Imams of religion to find honest work.


*Years ago I ran across one of the young-earth creationists who looked upon an anthropology major as so much red meat to be chewed up and spat out in defense of his GOD. You find them now and again in the south, even in Chapel Hill. Practically the first thing out of his mouth was what I can only classify as a Christian urban legend.

"Scientists" he said, in a sneering, Draco Malfoy tone that left absolutely no doubt what he thought of them. "Did one of them c14 tests on a 1986 penny. You know how old that test said that penny was? Ten Million years!" He leaned back with his arms crossed and a shit-eating grin, convinced he's shown the college boy what's what.

I informed him that using a c14 test on a penny about a rigorous a test as using an AIDS test to detect HIV in his truck's transmission fluid. For those of you who would a like a fuller explanation, c14 tests are performed only on organic materials, not metals.

"And besides, how old do you think the copper in your 1986 penny is? Did Jesus create it that day just for the test, numbnuts?"

But it was too late. I'd mentioned AIDS, which allowed him to switch the topic of monologue to "Them queers", without having to acknowledge that he was a complete dipshit.

Hell, he probably still uses that penny story.


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11/13/2002




Stindberg, August Strindberg. Striiiiiiiindbeeeeerg!

I don't know what it says about me, but the first thing I thought was "I bet Ngnat would like these".


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Our Sullivan Number is a 2, not that we deserve it. It's a testament to the power of brown-nosing those bigger and better than you. Given the general tendency of most bloggers towards ever-expanding links lists, I'd be surprised if there were many out there with a Sullivan number lower than 4.

Link via Ravenwolf


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News in Brief

Yasser Arafat angrily decried Israeli plans to build man-made islands off the country's Mediterranean coast today, denouncing them as illegal settlements in the ancestral home waters of the Palestinian people.

"The continuing Israeli occupation of ancestral Palestinian areas must be halted at once." said Arafat, who announced plans for a massive Palestinian sit-in on the bare patches of sea water.

"We will no longer ask for the fulfillment of the Palestinian Right of Return." Arafat continued, "We will take back what is ours, as soon as we can purchase 6 million life jackets and gas up the Palestinian Navy's outboard."

Arafat's call to action, dubbed "Operation Leave a Ring around the Med" by former prime minister Bibi Netanyahu, has received surprisingly
widespread support from within Israel. Posters and placards in support of the plan have appeared in every city in the West Bank and Israel, depicting the smiling leader of all Palestine in his trademark keffiyah, and bearing the slogan "Yasser Arafat, Israeli chum!"

A local Tel-Aviv company, Moskowitz Artificial Reefs, Ltd. has announced that it will fund the entire project, including the manufacture of custom life jackets, as long as a team of French diplomats accompany the Palestinians as international observers.

France initially opposed the idea, but surrendered on the point as expected when an Israeli negotiator cleared her throat in a possibly threatening manner.

............................................

In other news, a spokesman for Hamas announced today that it had completed an internal investigation into the causes of Palestinian suicide bombing, and as a result would be issuing a fatwa against the cast and crew of the MTV television show, "Jackass."

"As peaceful followers of Islam, the religion of peace, We were obviously upset and distressed when we first heard allegations that members of Hamas might be involved in the regrettable explosions of recent months," said spokesman Hasan Yosef. "After a thorough investigation into the circumstances and personalities involved in each explosion, we have determined that these were not premeditated acts of violence, but rather accidents that occurred when otherwise sensible Palestinian youths imitated stunts they had seen on the television show "Jackass."

Yosef outlined the content of the fatwa at length, dwelling particularly on a passage calling on all member of the Ummah to send protest letters to Viacom, MTV's parent company.

A spokesman for MTV declined to comment, other than to point out that Jackass star Johnny Knoxville looks Arabic if you squint really hard.


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I loom, therefore I am.





you have an ominosity quotient of

seven.


you are as ominous as the creators of this quiz. which terrifies us.



find out your ominosity quotient
.



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Title Holders

Please address us from now on as Lord Bigwig, Sir Keharr, and Baron Woundwort. Jolly good, thank you.


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Stupid Rituals

Iraq has agreed with the resolution sent by the U.N., surprise, surprise. Yes, that sentence is supposed to be read in a voice dripping with sarcasm. Didn’t we know this was going to happen? New agencies and government officials have been reported all week about the vote out of Iraq denounced the resolution, but that was most likely a show of disapproval and it was be accepted anyway. Good going Iraq, you really proved a point with that one. The point was that your dictator is an ass, the rest of you are puppets, and our government and the majority of the world predicted this as it occurred.

I am amazed at the trouble we go to in order to prove a point when so much time and hassle could be saved if we just did what we intended much more quickly. This latest move by Iraq reminds me of encores at a concert. Sure, the band tells us we were great, they love us and goodnight, fully aware of the fact that they are going to step backstage, down some beer, smoke some cigarettes and make us cheer like crazy for 5 minutes before coming back on stage to sing a few more songs…….JUST SING THE DAMN SONGS!!! Save all of us the time and just do it, we know it is coming anyway.

Time gives some idea as to why Iraq went along with the resolution, mostly that Saddam is homocidal, but not suicidal. I’m sure Iraq hesitated and showed resistance (because Saddam told them to) to show the rest of the world, but particularly the U.S., that they don’t appreciate us and hate the fact that we are threatening them with war if they don’t adhere to this latest resolution, but we don’t care. Don’t they know that they are dealing with a president who was probably kneeling in the White House, praying that they didn’t accept the resolution, or that there was a problem in the sending of the message so that the time could pass and he could start the bombing within minutes of the deadline’s passage?

Will they follow the rules set forth by the U.N.? Probably at first, but it is doubtful that it will keep up for any length of time. It will probably fall apart when we try to enter one of his palaces, he will refuse, and we will bomb the living shit out of him. I’m convinced this is a war that President Bush wants to happen, and without doing anything illegal (I’m not accusing him of underhanded tactics) at some point we will be bombing in Iraq. Today just changed the timeline, not the inevitability of it.


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J-Lo's BJ?

It is because of clips like this one that we should all support Fox News. Even their news has that "When Animals Attack" quality about it.


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Carnival of the Vanities #8

My daughter's new favorite book is a pocket dictionary she pulled off the bookshelf the other day and stuck into her pile of bedtime books. She picks the pile every night, and I read the books within to her before we turn out the light. I find it interesting to watch the ebb and flow of popularity among the books, to see Harold and the Purple Crayon make an initial entry, then zoom to the top of the pile, and finally disappear for a week or two before making a comeback. Between The Carrot Seed and Harold and the Purple Crayon, Crockett Johnson has done pretty well by her, and I still have my Barkis and Barnaby books to show her, one day.

She also likes the Peanuts aphorism books she pulled out of my collection, "Love is Walking Hand in Hand" and "I Need All the Friends I Can Get", which to my mind is a far worse book, but one that catches her eye just as often as the other. One of the very first memories I have is of my father reading Peanuts comic strips to me, so it's nice to see her drawn* to to Schultz and Johnson. It's the first proof that the comic strip appreciation gene I got from Dad might have legs. She certainly doesn't get it from her mother, who looked at me rather oddly when I told her that her two-year-old now had her own subscription bag at the comic book store.**

Her fascination with the dictionary has been kind of a surprise. I know why, I think. The first time she pulled it out and asked "Wat's dis, daddy?", I told her it was a dictionary, and that it had all the words from all the stories in it. What she heard was "It has all the stories in it." It was the last book she handed me that night.

"Read stories, daddy."

So I turned out the light, after gaining some time by telling her that this was a special story book, one that you had to read in the dark, and made up a story. In my humble opinion, it was one god-awful stinker of a story. I shan't be writing children's books anytime soon. It was about a little girl, who, surprise, had the same name as Ngnat, and lived in a house with three kitties and two parents just like Ngnat's kitties and parents, and who went to school every day just like Ngnat and played with her friends, just like Ngnat. My god, it was a piece of unimaginative crap.

And she's made me tell it every night since.

I know from experience that it's not the story that counts. It's lying back in a warm cocoon of blankets, feeling the chilly air on your face and your father's weight beside you, using his arm as a pillow and drifting off to sleep to the sound of his voice. If there is a Platonic ideal of contentment, that feeling is the closest I ever got to it. If I have to tell the same horrifyingly dull story to my daughter at the end of each night so that she can trace out her own contentment asymptote, so be it.

Besides, the story's bound to get better with practice.

Welcome to the Carnival. Take your time and browse around. We'll see you next week.

*Pun not only intended but chuckled over far more than absolutely necessary.
**She gets the PowerPuff Girls and all the Bongo Comics titles.

Bill Mauldin has a Posse
Blogatelle - On Veteran's Day - The V.A. had no thought towards repairing him, just shutting him up. They dispensed narcotics via U.S. Mail and upon request. Nothing is too good for our veterans.

South Knox Bubba - A WWII Veteran's Story - Well, we started digging our holes, and they told me to face my hole to the rear from behind to keep somebody from coming in at us from the rear. So I dug my hole in a way that I could be looking to the rear, and the other guys were looking to the front. Well about the time I got my hole about half done, there was a terrible explosion right behind me. It knocked me off my feet and blew the rifle out of my hands. I wiggled my feet to see if I still had legs.

Bloggers in the Mist
Norwegian Blogger - The Grandmother of All Mistings! - WALLY: Yes of course you have, placing yourself in dreadful danger of death by Norwegian mob, why don't you pull a Salman Rushdie?
BELLOWS: 'cause you Norwegians couldn't whip up a good lynch mob if your lived depended on it?

Dogs of War
The Road to Surfdom - The Latest Pitch From Hitch - Whispering Truth To Power - Excuse me, but wasn't it such suggestions--that there were "root causes"--that caused Hitchens to indulge in apoplectic rages against the vile left for even daring to suggest that there might be reasons why "they" hate "us" and fly planes into buildings?

skippy the bush kangaroo - a moment for those fallen in battle - please take a moment to think of those who had died fighting for this country. take a moment to think of those who, unless a miracle of miracle happens, will die on the sands of iraq at the politician's behest.
now, in honor of armistice day, we bring you some views on invading iraq by the men and women who have actually served in our armed forces

Silent Running - My New-Found Conservatism - They don't care about fossil-fuel depletion, the ozone layer, Third World debt or World Bank lending policies. They're not interested in you boosting foreign aid, voting Green, or visualising world peace. They want you do do one of two things.
1) Convert to Islam, or
2) Die.

Exorcising Chad
Jimspot - Politics - That is a right that has been won through bloodshed on battlefields and secured through the hard work of many non-warring patriots. Time and again, people have given their all to secure and reaffirm the rights and freedoms of this republic of ours. So, people have worked hard and shed blood, sweat and tears for you to be able to get off your lazy ass and go to a polling place and cast a ballot. If you don't vote, aren't you spitting in their faces and pissing on their graves?

Whigging Out - More Fallout Analysis - If the good people of America wake up on November 7th of 2003 to a world mostly rid of the Islamic menace, and the Middle East is strewn with the corpses of Al Qaeda and Hezbollah loonies, Saddam is in his grave, the Iranian theocrats are scouting out digs in Aix-en-Provence and the Sauds are begging us to take their oil; if there are lots of judges seated on benches who will keep true law and order and send the most violent offenders to their doom; and if a legitimate tax cut is passed, THEN will this election mean anything.

Clubbeaux - Maybe I Should've Gotten Sports Illustrated Instead - And is it Republican's fault if Democrats insist on pouring their money in unwinnable races in Florida and Texas just to tweak George Bush's nose? Take the millions and millions of dollars Democrats wasted on Sisyphean quests in Florida and Texas, spread it around to where it could have actually affected close races and the electoral results might have looked a lot different.

Have 20-sider, Will Travel
Kaylr.com - A Real-life Dungeon? - This Daily Torygraph story about the Belgian pensioner killed by his own booby-trap sounds too much like an RPG scenario to be true. Was he a fan of Gary Gygax's "Tomb of Horrors"?

Hello from Walden!
Fragments ~ from Floyd - Good Life, Fertile Soil - I remember a cool November morning like this one, watching the steam rise up through the slanting sun as it lifted from the mound of hot compost: the heat of decay turning water into vapor. I had read an article in our worn how-to magazines that said you could actually slow-cook a chicken in your compost pile if you tended the pile just right and you coaxed the bacteria to produce enough heat.

Jack Handey has a Posse
Heretical Ideas - Philosophic Foundations For Libertarianism - In fact, it could be argued that mind-body integration can, in fact, undermine capitalism. One of the failings of materialist philosophy is that it does not provide a satisfactory answer to the existence of free will. If the universe is completely materialistic, then free will, by definition, does not exist.

Ipse Dixit - Not The Right Course - The focus on "freedom to" rather than "freedom from" is, I believe, the most essential error of modern liberalism. The Founders established our country to be one based on negative rights - rights the government could not abridge ("freedom from"). Taking its cue from the pre-WWII Progressive movement, modern liberalism has tended to focus on positive rights ("freedom to").

Philosoblog - Common Sense, National Review, and God - National Review is a great source of wisdom. But it likes to assure us that morality requires God, and this is as false as can be.

Media Bash
Sine Qua Non Pundit - The Scourge of Richard Cohen, Vol. LXIII - If Eminem is the new Elvis, I guess I could be the new Barry Mann and start putting the bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp on little Richard.

The Paper Chase
The Kitchen Cabinet - Who Needs Logic?

Pop Goes the Culture, cuz the Culture goes Pop!
Ipse Dixit - Much Improved - First and foremost, I am pleased to report that they corrected the first movie's biggest problem: slavish adherence to the book. Sorcerer's Stone was a disappointment mainly because the producers were obviously terrified of how the fans would react if they left anything out.

Prom Night Recollections
Silflay Hraka - Jitterbug Perfume - Today a sour reek emanated from her, so that I had the choice of either not breathing, or sending her to day-care half naked.
"Jesus, honey. You smell like poor people. " I told her

See You on the Funny Pages
The Eleven Day Empire - A Real Concession Speech - Ladies and gentlemen, the returns are in, and all hope is lost. My opponent has won this election. I have not called him to congratulate him; I would sooner tear out my own intestines with a fork than speak man to man to the lying bag of filth that the ignorant fools of this state have elected to the Congress.

Blogatron - How To Respond To A Centipede Infestation - The above studies can easily be conducted while standing on a chair or other raised surface, shrieking incoherently and gesticulating wildly, or while running down the hallway flapping one's arms and shouting, "Help! Help! Centipede! Centipede sighted in the bathroom! Request backup!"

MadKane - Tommy's Tune - (To be sung to "Alfie" by Hal David & Burt Bacharach.)
What's it all about, Tommy?
Why did Dems get such paltry few wins?
What's it all about,
When you sort it out, Tommy?
Are Dems meant to leak seats like a sieve?
Oh how did we fall behind?

Imao - New Agenda - So, now that Republicans rule the land like Saudi princes, what should be on their agenda? Here are my suggestions:
*New Tax Cuts: I want more money. Cut my taxes!
*Hippie Punching Act: Make beating up hippies a protected form of speech.

Ravenwood's Universe - We're not in Kansas anymore - I squinted and looked out across the parking lot. Then I saw it. It right there. It was perhaps 50 yards from where I parked my car and moving to the west. It was groaning and squealing, and making an awful racket.

Raving Atheist - 6,000 Years of Jewish Oppression Ended with Suspension of Alternate-Side of Street Parking Rules - Abraham Foxman of the Anti-Defamation League applauded the new law as "the end of vehicular anti-Semitism" and that "the New York City Parking Violations Bureau will now join the Pharaoh, the Catholic Church and Adolph Hitler in the dustbin of history."

Six Degrees
Solonor's Ink Well - Happy Minioning - There's been some confusion on just who's whose minion. So, in an effort to clear things up, I am posting this handy, dandy Minion Calendar,™ so you'll know which dark master you are to serve.

Thoughts From the Grassy Knoll
The Eleven Day Empire - The Wellstone Conspiracy - Additionally, if a Democratic Senator had to be marked for death to deliver control of the Senate to Republicans, why not pick one who was safer in his or her seat? Why waste a sophisticated murder plot on a guy who the voters might vote out, instead of on someone like Ted Kennedy or Tom Daschle, who will never leave the Senate except for retirement? And more importantly, if you were going to do this, why not do it in a state with a Republican governor, so your party could control the appointment of the replacement, instead of a state with a wild card, independent governor?

Tome Time
Northwest Notes - Simon Wiesenthal's The Sunflower - He was pulled into a military hospital by a nurse and forced to sit with the completely bandaged man, who just wanted to confess to a Jew. Wiesenthal says he remained silent when the dying Nazi finished relating his awful deeds and begged for forgiveness. Then he wondered whether he was wrong or right.

What Went Wrong
Amish Tech Support - ARAB NEWS: You get what you deserve - In fact, our teaching hospitals must be centers of miraculous wonder to you, considering your beliefs. If you continue to preach that Jews are the sons of monkeys and dogs, well, that just only goes to show how amazing out educational system is here. We can actually train the sons of monkeys and dogs to perform complex surgery, the art of anesthesiology, and the bold steps of chemical engineering and drug testing.

The Carnival of the Vanities is published every Wednesday at Silflay Hraka and Blog Critics. Information on how to join the Carnival is available here.


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11/12/2002




A Familiar Air

According to Medact, a group of British medical experts, a war in Iraq could kill half a million people.

Gosh, it certainly sounds authoritative. Check out the quotes.

The report has been commended by both medical and military specialists. "It is really important that people understand the consequences of war," says Vivienne Nathanson, head of science and ethics at the British Medical Association.
........
General Pete Gration, former Chief of the Australian Defence Forces and an opponent of a war on Iraq, adds: "This is no exaggerated tract by a bunch of zealots. It is a coldly factual report by health professionals who draw on the best evidence available."


Trouble is, they've sung this song before.

Afghanistan is on the verge of a massive humanitarian crisis. The attacks could turn this into a worse disaster, and as such could be regarded as a breach of international law. Aid agencies state that air-drops of food will be ineffective.

Military action has not been specifically approved by the UN Security Council. We call for an immediate end to military action and a massive aid programme to prevent hundreds of thousands of deaths from cold and starvation.
(emphasis mine)

Update: Speaking of Afghanistan, Ms. Nathanson signed a November 2, 2001 declaration that said, among other things, that The war in Afghanistan has resulted in increasing levels of racism and intolerance, and has eroded a culture of human rights;

Because, as we all know, The Taliban were such an enlightened bunch.


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Snap Decision

Now, virtually all countries with but a few exceptions are members of the United Nations. At least they are members of the U.N.'s General Assembly. This is an utterly powerless body, which is designed to make these countries feel that they are contributing something and that they actually have some input into the things that affect them and their allies. In reality, it is simply an exercise in puffery and a reason for them to have to pay membership dues. The General Assembly frequently expresses its feelings about world situations by voting on resolutions which are meant to convey the organization's displeasure with some state's activities, but most such resolutions are ignored.

Quickly, now. Left or Right?

Wrong.


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The Green Mile, November 2002.

Edgecombe: Plunger?
Howell: Plunger.
Edgecombe: Barrel?
Howell: Barrel.
Edgecombe: Hypodermic?
Howell: Hypodermic.
Edgecombe: Assemble the syringe, please.
Howell: Here you go.
Edgecombe: That's not the correct response, Mister Howell.
Howell: (sigh) Syringe assembled.
Edgecombe: Saline?
Howell: Saline.
Edgecombe: Sodium thiopental?
Howell: Sodium thiopental.
Edgecombe: Pancuronium bromide?
Howell: Pancuronium bromide.
Edgecombe: Potassium chloride?
Howell: Potassium chloride.
Edgecombe: Thank you, please load the syringe.
Howell: ......................................The syringe is loaded, sir.
Edgecombe: Excellent. Piglet?
Howell: Here you go.
Edgecombe: ................
Howell: What?
Edgecombe: Never mind. Close your eyes, little fella.
Wilbur: SQUEEEEEEEEE!
Edgecombe: There, there. It was only a little blood. Put a compress on that hock, please Howell.
Howell: Yes, sir. Good luck with the injection.
Edgecombe: Thank you Mister Howell. I'm almost looking forward to this one.


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Holy Shit, It's Jesus!

The returned Messiah takes a question on the Iraqi war at his recent press conference.


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Yoda: Storyteller, Master Jedi, Architectural Plagiarist

The Long Room Library, Trinity College of Dublin
Jedi Archives


Update: The site appears to be laboring under a large load. You can see smaller pictures here.


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11/11/2002




Listen to the Weathermen

Just as the last SLA member has been caught, is the stage being set for a resurgence of leftist terrorism? Take a look at some of the stuff being published over at the Yellow Times.

John Chuckman - A toxin in the blood

There's been a lot of "working towards the Fuhrer" lately in America. It seems to come quite naturally to a significant number of people. I am reminded of the farce in Florida when a mindless police chase was created by the paranoid reports of an overheard conversation. Or the universities and colleges where dissenting views are punished. Or the lists published of dissenting voices. Or the nonsense that pours from mainstream American media like CNN or the New York Times, as when recently they deliberately underreported the size of an anti-war rally in Washington.
...
This government has given America corruption, poor appointments to important posts, a huge and wasteful increase in military spending, not a single worthy humanitarian initiative, and it has set its jaw in grim contempt for the sensibilities of virtually the rest of the planet. It is determined to launch a war for which there is not one sound reason, a war that promises to send the world into a downward spiral of resentments, uncertainty and death.

Yet Americans have given it a vote of confidence.

A political party that in one generation has included as prominent spokesmen and leaders Jesse Helms, Tom De Lay, Phil Gramm, Dick Armey, John Ashcroft, Bob Barr, Pat Buchanan, and Newt Gingrich, that attracts vultures like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, and whose spokespeople include genuine hate-mongers like Ann Coulter, cannot be regarded as harmless. There is a large enough cesspool of ignorance and arrogance here to threaten all people who regard human decency and rationality as important.

Students of history will know that not every member of the Nazi party in Germany at the height of its prestige and power around 1940 shared the poison dreams of its leadership. People joined because of social pressure or the requirements of career advancement or agreement with limited aspects of the Nazi program. Yet we do not sort this all out when we speak of Nazis. Who on the planet does not use the term Nazi as one of contempt and anathema?


Summary: Americans support a murderous government well on its way down the road to fascism.

Ash Pulcifer - The future of globalization remains uncertain

Think about it. If there were an explosion in London, followed by another in New York with a grand finale in Tokyo, there would be world panic. The markets would tank; people would pull their money out of banks; consumer confidence would fall and the global economy would enter deep recession.

Summary: The Western elite will use force to quell opponents of globalization.

Wole Akande - The drawbacks of cultural globalization

Sometimes it seems as if a tidal wave of the worst Western culture is creeping across the globe like a giant strawberry milkshake oozing over the planet, with a flavor that is distinctly sweet, sickly and manifestly homogenous.

Summary: Shallow, bad western cultural values are killing off traditional societies via advertising.

Let's assume for the purposes of argument that the three gentlemen above believe what they have written is true. For them, America is a nation of thuggish proto Nazis who will stop at nothing short of world domination. If we cannot make the world into consumers via our cultural domination, then we'll do it at the point of a gun. What's worse, we're proud of it. What then is the only logical response to such a nation and its people? How do you oppose such blatant evil?

If the answer isn't to fight back, then what the hell is it? You don't oppose Nazis with slogans and protests; you'll get your ass gassed. Either they believe what they type, and will eventually call for an armed struggle against the West, or they'll have to admit that what they believe in isn't worth fighting for.

Or they'll have to admit that they didn't really believe in it to begin with. Which choice do you think they'll end up taking?


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Insects Unite

Over the weekend Bug and Ngnat finally got to spend some time together. The introductions went well and being that Ngnat had the home court advantage, Bug decided to be shy for a while, taking that time to absorb her surroundings. Walking into Bigwig's place I was struck (as Bigwig later mentioned as well) at how much our lives had changed. Gone were the dungeon-like apartments and the ever present smell of day old beer. Gone were the mornings of waking up worried about how badly our heads were going to ache. We weren't getting together this time to drink obscene amounts of alcohol (although we did at least taste it) or stay up all night, instead getting together to let our "Under 3 Crowd" get to know each other………….so maybe they could grow up to hang out and drink together all the time. Remember, this is our blog, not our wives'.

Upon entering, the supply of "new" toys for the Bug was too much to ignore, and it was not long before she was putting together puzzles, dancing to the Wiggles, and cutting vegetables. The best part of the night was that they seemed to get along so well. No matter how well children behave, it is normal for one child to be upset at having a stranger come and take her toys while the other hurries to collect all that she can. This just didn't happen. Bug and Ngnat played very well together, but didn't quite form a strong relationship early in the evening.

We shared a meal together with the children happy to clear off the first plate in order to get a bowl of ice cream. All else pales in comparison to the mighty ice cream. Then a bond began to form. It wasn't over a goal accomplished, or a plan that came to be realized, it came in the form of a cat. Somehow the girls decided to chase the cat…..together.

"Dere he iz, da-da," Bug would say.

"Here he iz," Ngnat would exclaim.

The cat was, of course, panic stricken (although she had obviously had this happen before). Bigwig manned the stairs to make sure the feline couldn't take the easy way out and escape up the stairs. They screamed, chased the cat, lost it, found it, and chased it some more. The chase ended when the cat ran to stairs once more, still finding Bigwig blocking its path, but it had had enough. The cat eyed him and then made a break for it, running up the stairs, jumping off the railing and kicking again off Bigwig's face, twirling once in the air and landing again directly on his face before kicking off and finishing its run up the stairs. Had I not been a little worried that his eye was about to fall out I might have peed in my pants (not the best example for children you are trying to potty train).

I was waiting for blood to rush out of Bigwig's eyes and scalp, when he said, "She's de-clawed." Well, thank God, because if she hadn't been he would have been de-faced. My God, it would have been ugly.

The kids laughed and enjoyed the rest of the night playing together and pulling our lazy tails off the couch to follow them wherever they wanted to go. We pulled toys out in every room in the house, and the kids seemed to love it.

We said our goodbyes, went to our own place (people who blog together don't necessarily live together) and put the Bug in the bed.

She looked up and said, "Where's kit-TEE, da-da?"

No doubt her legs were kicking in the night because she and Ngnat were still chasing that cat in her dreams.


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11/10/2002




Interludes

Lazy Sunday, full of couch reclining, too many cashews and Neverwinter nights. The water restrictions have been lifted, and it was warm, so the Ngnat and I washed cars in the driveway. More exactly, I washed cars and she learned never to look directly into the mouth of the hose. We also made a nest in her room, of extra blankets, stuffed animals, all the pillows in the house and her mother's old silk lingerie. Ngnat's nightstand is an old 3 drawer bureau, about a foot wide. Sainted wife stored her sexy nighties in the bottom two drawers, long ago, and now and again Ngnat pulls them out and scatters them about the room. Funny how that's the most action that silk has seen since we we married.

"What's the point?" says the wife. "I could come to bed dressed in burlap and banana skins, and five minutes later you'd be putting on the Perry Como."

So Ngnat pushed everything into a three foot pile beside the bed, stands on her mattress and stage dives onto the clothes. Once that wears thin, she climbs on me in the rocking chair and jumps off my knees into the pile. Nice, but......

"Higher, daddy. Wan go higher."

So I sit in the rocking shair and lift her up a foot or two.

"One, two, threeeee!!" Toss her into the pile. Instant Toddler crack.

"Again?"

"One, two, threeeee!!"

Again?"

And so on, until even that thrill pales.

"Higher?"

When her mother walks in to see what all the delight is about, she catches me gripping the Ngnat by the bottoms of her thighs, holding her up to the ceiling, then dropping her face first onto a giant, blanket-strewn mound of pillows and teddies.

She lands flat, I don't know what all the fuss is about.

................................

Ngnat's Lullaby cd of choice has for the last month been the Sound of Music soundtrack. Tonight she tired of it, according to the wife.

"I want the Beadles, mommy."

It's the Number Ones. To my knowledge, she's only ever listened to parts of it, but that was enough. Goodbye Maria. Hello John, Paul, George and Ringo.

She's in there singing now, completely off key and rhythm.

"I wan......hold.....a haaaaan! I wan wan a han!"


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Beef: The Moral Food Choice

The farmer would point out that even vegans have a ''serious clash of interests'' with other animals. The grain that the vegan eats is harvested with a combine that shreds field mice, while the farmer's tractor crushes woodchucks in their burrows, and his pesticides drop songbirds from the sky. Steve Davis, an animal scientist at Oregon State University, has estimated that if America were to adopt a strictly vegetarian diet, the total number of animals killed every year would actually increase, as animal pasture gave way to row crops. Davis contends that if our goal is to kill as few animals as possible, then people should eat the largest possible animal that can live on the least intensively cultivated land: grass-fed beef for everybody. It would appear that killing animals is unavoidable no matter what we choose to eat.
...
The vegetarian utopia would make us even more dependent than we already are on an industrialized national food chain. That food chain would in turn be even more dependent than it already is on fossil fuels and chemical fertilizer, since food would need to travel farther and manure would be in short supply. Indeed, it is doubtful that you can build a more sustainable agriculture without animals to cycle nutrients and support local food production. If our concern is for the health of nature -- rather than, say, the internal consistency of our moral code or the condition of our souls -- then eating animals may sometimes be the most ethical thing to do.


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